I am beautiful

I used to think that I wasn't beautiful. I grew up thinking that way. My sister is more beautiful than me, thats what I heard people say whenever we were together. Then I would start looking at my sister. She has pointed nose, mine is flat. She has spotless skin face, mine is rich with black spots and acne. She has flat tummy, I've got fat. She has brighter skin, I get darker and darker. I would agree with those people after, thinking I am not beautiful enough. Later on, I started to hate myself. I hate the fact that I looked horrible as a girl. I wished I was a boy. I tried to be like one. For me that time, things seemed easier for boys. They didn't have to worry about looking ugly, they simply didn't care. Maybe that's not true, you boys know better, but yeah I just wanted to not be a girl. It wasn't very extreme thou, my wish. I didn't plan to have gender-change surgery or whatsoever, and I still like boys (hello Jesse McCartney, Daniel Pedrosa, and Tobby Maguire) The problem was simply I didn't feel beautiful and nobody told me that I was, but I couldn't do anything about it and I still wanted to enjoy my life. So, I decided to just ignore "the look" that I had. I tried by myself to be beautiful. I put on nice dresses, shoes, accessories but when I looked at the mirror I never liked my reflection. Then, I tried to put on boys clothes, my brother's or even my dad's. I liked my reflection better after. Because I thought if I looked like boys, I didn't have to worry not looking beautiful anymore. People might stop comparing me to my sister because there was no point for them doing it as I wouldn't be offended. Yes, they did stop.

 Fact of how simpler and more comfortable boy's clothes are became another reason for me to look like them. I started to dress up, walked and behaved like them. My mom didn't want me to cut my long hair so I cut it myself whenever I took shower, little by little so she wouldn't notice it. I liked to hear people calling me tomboy. For me that sounded as a compliment, my version of beautiful. A close friend of mine in junior high school was tomboy as well, she's a fan of Linkin Park, Blink 182 and some other hard-core bands. I forced myself to like them also. Moto GP was popular at that time, I forced myself to like watching it even took notes of the riders' names and the winners of every race. Every Monday morning, both of us would be very noisy during the morning school ceremony talking about the race. Being tomboy was my shield for feeling-ugly attacks. I felt safe and strong. Things were fine till I entered senior high school.

People say the moments you have as senior high student would be the best ones because you would deal with that thing called 'young love'. For me, it happened the other way around. Yes, I did say that I still like boys, but those boys that I meant didn't include the cute guy in my class, or next door or those hot-looking seniors. When you admire actors or singers whom you can find easily on the cover of girl's magazines, even though you are a tomboy you don't have to be afraid to get rejected. It's totally different when you like your classmate sitting right in front of you. You will feel uglier than ever as he threats you like his dude. You will start blaming yourself for being tomboy but on the other side you are not beautiful as well so even though you become feminine still there's no guarantee that he will interest in you. You may have chance if you are tomboy but looking like Demi Levato. If you are not then no solution for you. That's how I felt. My "falling in love" experience didn't help me at all, it made me feel worse. I felt worthless.

I received Jesus in 2010. Then I learned how God had created me very carefully and beautifully. God created human in His own image. He created heaven and earth simply by words and we can always find stunning beauty of His creations wherever we go and look. How much more beautiful human would be as He himself formed us. It's written in the bible that He even had known me before He formed me in my mother's womb. Hearing all those stories of God's overwhelming love for me helped me to find confidence in Him. I then realized that the reason I felt ugly the whole time because I agreed to people's approval and standard of beauty not God's. Pointed nose, bright skin, spotless face, beautiful hair, and the list keeps going. Well, there's nothing wrong with that but that shouldn't be your main focus. I agree that we need to take care of the body that God has given to us but not so that we become beautiful, as we are indeed beautiful. We do it simply to show our gratefulness to Him. In Jesus I feel beautiful and precious in and out. As I feel beautiful inside, I feel more beautiful outside. If you don't agree with me, that's because you use human standard of beauty but I don't need your approval anymore. Now, I can confidently say I am beautiful, lots of thanks to Jesus.