Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts

Saturday, 22 January 2022

have i forgotten how to have fun

I was walking home with some friends one night in 2010. I don't recall what we talked about, but I remember how happy I felt just being with them. We'd walk for about 3-5 kilometers before stopping at a food stall to get some snacks. Then we kept walking and stopped in front of an office building to eat the snacks together and carry on with our conversation about random stuff, and most of the time we ended up laughing out loud; I wish I could remember what we were laughing about, but my memory isn't that great. Time would fly by, and we'd all realize we needed to get back home as soon as possible because it was getting late. Every time I got close to my house, I wished I lived even further away so I could spend more time with them. Those were the most joyful times for me back then. 

Adulthood has slapped me hard on my face. I can't afford to be reckless any longer. I have bills to pay, appointments to attend, deadlines to meet, and my physical and mental health to consider, all of which is exhausting. This is not acceptable. Why can't I find joy in small matters any longer? I used to laugh so easily and constantly. I always said yes to spontaneous trips and not feared a thing. My former self will despise the present me. Perhaps my ways of having fun have shifted, or perhaps I should return to the old things I used to find enjoyable. I liked reading manga (Japanese comic books) like Detective Conan, Doraemon, Crayon Shinchan, and so on. I enjoyed collecting cute things, taking random pictures of things or people, making videos, writing short stories, karaoke, climbing trees, catching small fish, running in the rain, playing outside in the sun, swimming, daydreaming, watching horror movies, reading novels, playing board games, being silly, dancing, going on a hike, traveling, having random conversations with good friends, eating snacks by the side of the road, and I can't think of anything else.

It's fine; I still know how to have fun. I can still laugh a lot. Just don't get too worked up about it. I'm going to be fine.

Hanging out at local park late at night






Tuesday, 11 January 2022

To Be Celebrated

I was just at a friend's house for her birthday celebrations a few hours ago. It was actually just a basic get-together. It's something she's done every year. Her mother would make enough food to feed a large group even if she didn't invite anyone. She would then simply wait for her buddies to arrive one by one. After me, a couple of buddies arrived with cake and candles but no lighter. They later handed her the cake and instructed her to light and blow the candles herself. It was pretty funny that we didn't even sing happy birthday. We joked that they should've just sent her the money and she'd purchase the cake herself, or sent her the supplies so she could bake the cake herself. A few more of her pals arrived later, and they brought another cake with candles already lighted. She had seen them when they entered, so it was no longer a surprise. They stepped in and handed her the cake, this time with the candles to blow out. I'd say it was really uncomplicated, with no drama and just a simple birthday party. Her friends were aware that it was her birthday, and they made the effort to come and celebrate with her, even if it wasn't anything extravagant like we see in movies and dramas. Nothing like a birthday celebration with balloons, a large feast, music, lovely outfits, and sparkles. However, I appreciated her friends for making the effort. They shared a lot of laughter, ate some simple but delicious cuisine, and talked for a long time about many things. 

When I got home, I began to consider what it means to be celebrated. I feel like I've forgotten how it feels really. I enjoy celebrating my closest friends and making them feel special, but it is frequently one-sided. I'm not claiming no one ever did anything special for my birthday or for me, because they did. The issue is that it doesn't happen on a regular basis, and it happens so rarely that I don't expect it. I even got to the point where I chose to do things my own, to organize everything on my own, with some support, but the initiative was all mine. Meanwhile, at the same time, I'm growing exhausted. I'm going to quit putting in effort now. It's depressing. But that's just the way life and people are. Especially in this day and age, when everything is supposed to be instant. There's no need to call; just send a quick message. It will serve to send a voice message, gifs, or stickers. I, too, become lazy and drained. I've spent a lot of my time and energy celebrating others, only to find out that they didn't do the same for me. Therefore, I will be selfish too. Because I need to look after myself. They are capable of looking after themselves. I'll just settle for mediocrity. 

Thank you, I felt celebrated that time (2017)

Thank you for putting the efforts girls (2017)

Good old time (2017)


Monday, 10 January 2022

They Grow Up Too Fast

One day, I was in Jakarta to see an old friend. He's been away from his family for a long time. It had been more than three years since I had returned home to see my family. He then stated that he wished to return home because he realized how time had passed, his parents had grown older, and his sibling had grown up. He resented the fact that he had missed seeing them grow older and more mature. That struck me as well; previously, I didn't want to return to my hometown; instead, I wanted to return to Bali from Jakarta and look for work in Bali. That conversation, however, changed my mind. I made the decision to return home, to my people, to my family. 

My friend was correct when I got home. My younger siblings have grown so much that they are now
Had fun at Paradiso beach, Kupang
(ignores the trash floating)

almost as tall as I am. Before I left home in 2013, they were just little babies to me; small, skinny kids who I used to beat up when they got in my way. They, too, cried a lot but also laughed a lot. I recall being assigned to babysit my youngest sister one day, but I promptly fell asleep. I awoke to find her having cut half of her hair with scissors, thanking God she hadn't hurt herself, but she was so amusing. Perhaps she copied me because I, too, liked to secretly cut my hair back then because long hair was too much work for me. Today, my youngest sister takes better care of herself than I did when I was her age. She looks exactly like me, only less crazy. She sings beautifully and even plays instruments. She excels in school and also enjoys sports such as Kenpo and badminton. 

Awkward pose, beautiful smile though 
My younger brother was a goofy kid. He enjoyed fooling around and making people laugh. We'd tell him to put on glasses and pose for pictures, and he'd just do it, even making funny faces for us. He is now the tallest member of our family. He's such a cool, calm kid. He prefers to spend his time at home, learning languages, reading books, playing instruments, and singing karaoke. He is a very social person who likes to hang out with his friends until late at night. Fortunately, we can still easily find him at home most of the time. He's also a good cook, even better than my older sister, hehe. 

Hi, I am the tallest in my family
I'm thankful that they're both maturing into such wonderful children. They listen well most of the time and give us fewer headaches than their older siblings did. The majority of their age group is known for being spoiled brats and troublemakers. They are, however, good kids at heart.


I am cute and I know it :)

Sunday, 9 January 2022

How Lay EXO, Jackson Wang, Jay B, D.O EXO inspired me

Years ago, when I was in middle school, I overheard a couple of friends discussing a Korean drama called "Princess Hours" during P.E. They seemed very excited about it, but I had no idea what they were so excited about. I wasn't familiar with K-drama at the time, and I was more interested in MOTO GP, Valentino Rossi, Daniel Pedrosa, and other riders. I was first introduced to Korean drama when I started university; I'm not sure what the first drama I watched was, but I remember spending hours watching one episode after the next, even until dawn. It was just my guilty pleasure, a way for me to pass the time. I didn't think much of it; I just thought of Kdramas as high-end entertainment. Throughout the 16 to 20 episodes, I would find myself laughing, crying, disappointed, and absorbed. Then I realized I was addicted to it; my sleeping habits had been ruined, and I had neglected important tasks such as housework, homework, and my health. So I decided to take a break, which I did for quite some time.

However, I eventually found my way back to be hit by the Korean wave, this time with K-pop. Since I am not a member of any fandom, I would simply start listening to any Kpop songs that I liked. GOT7, Super Junior, EXO, NCT, Stray Kids, Astro, IU, Jessie, and others were among the artists I listened to. I simply enjoy music. Then, recently, I've been feeling unmotivated to do anything. I really want to graduate from university this year, but I can't bring myself to start writing my final essay. I'm just feeling a little sluggish. As a result, I began watching videos and interviews of several idols who are known to be hard workers; I'm sure most idols are, but these specific people truly inspired me; Lay EXO, D.O EXO, Jackson Wang, and Jay B from GOT7, among others. "Wah, I wish I was as ambitious as they are, as hardworking as they are, as passionate about something, about their goals and dreams," I often thought to myself. I'm not sure what my problem is or why I'm feeling this way, but I just want to get out of this mindset, this laziness. Seeing these guys work their butt out was like a slap in the face. I'm hoping I'm not too late. I don't want to be like this any longer. No way, no how.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

When someone calls you ugly

So, yeah it happened to me. When I heard it, my heart ached so bad. But I covered it up. It wasn't only my heart that hurt but also my self-esteem. I wrote an article before (read http://ceasycheese.blogspot.com/2015/08/i-am-beautiful.html) about how I finally find my beauty and my value in Jesus as know I was created fearfully and wonderfully by God. I am so much more confident today than I was years ago knowing this. Then, my confidence in Him was tested on that day. Did I pass? Yes, I did. How would I know? I'll tell you how in two ways. I will identify myself as "me before" and "me after". "me before" is I when I haven't found my beauty and value in Jesus and "me after" is I am today. I respond differently in thoughts and actions as "me before" and "me after" when I notice people see or call me ugly . Those thoughts and actions will tell you why and how I passed the test. 

Me before: I will agree with those who see and call me ugly
Me after: I will remind myself of what God says in Book of Jeremiah that He himself formed me in my mother's womb. God, the creator of heaven and earth, formed me fearfully and wonderfully in my mother's womb so I should be freaking beautiful.

Me before: I will hate that person for being so mean to me
Me after: I will ask God to enable me to forgive that person right away

Me before: I will blame myself for not being beautiful and then blame my parents for not being beautiful as well and then blame my mom or dad for not getting married to foreigner so that I could look like Cinta Laura or other children born from crossbred family and then eventually blame God for not being fair to me since I look uglier than other girls. 
Me after: I thank God for my dark skin, flat nose, thick lips, messy hair, basically all things about myself

Me before: I will judge that person who calls me ugly as heartless mean judgmental person
Me after: I look at myself thinking that I also sometimes judge people based on their appearance, I just wont say it frankly. Then I ask God to teach me to see beauty in each individual and to have His kind of heart filled of love for people no matter how "ugly" they look like.

Me before: I will say something to make that person feels bad 
Me after: I stay quiet and pray in my heart asking God to remind me of how beautiful and precious I am in His eyes

That's how I passed.

Thursday, 3 September 2015

I prayed, Jesus answered #2

He answered my prayer (again) two days ago. I'm working in a pilates studio in Bali, and these few months have been very busy at the studio with many people try to book into our classes. Therefore, my boss decided to change the schedule and add more classes to maintain the increased number of our clients. Last Friday, my boss told some of the clients after the class that their class will be rescheduled to Tuesday and Thursday at 9.20 (this class was scheduled every Monday and Friday). I was working so I didn't really listen to the information my boss gave to them. Then, one of the clients came to me saying that she wanted to book herself in for the same class next week on Tuesday, she thought that the schedule would be changed already the week after. And I did book herself in. After everybody left, I asked my boss when the schedule changed. My boss said it would be changed the week after next week. I then realized that the lady before had the wrong information, and the bad news was I didn't have her phone number. I didn't say anything to my boss. I prayed instead. I prayed that Jesus would work this matter out for me. I only know her first name, so I tried to find her on Facebook but it didn't succeed. I kept praying. On Monday, I prayed again hoping that she would call to cancel her class on Tuesday. I always believe that God is in control over everything, my favorite verse from Romans 8:28 in shorter version "All things work together for good for those who love God". I always quote this verse whenever I find myself with problems. So, when I prayed I also believed that even though Jesus didn't work this thing out as I expected and that lady didn't call and she would still come on Tuesday, it must be the best thing should have happened and it's for my own goodness. I was ready to deal with the risks of this matter, to receive complaints either from the client because I gave her wrong information or my boss since I didn't ask for clients' phone number as she always reminded me to do so. Then, she called. It was the moment when I already surrendered to Jesus and asked Him to strengthen me to be responsible over this matter. When I picked up the phone and the caller told me that her name is Josephine I thanked Jesus so much in my heart and my mind. Again, He answered my prayer in His perfect timing. It was probably a small matter, but it proved that He cares for us even in smallest matters. I'm forever grateful to Him.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Blessing List Challenge

So, I want to challenge myself and people to start counting their blessings daily as we often find it hard to be grateful, I would love to start counting from my yesterday's blessings (Thursday, 27th August 2015) because I still have fresh memories of it and also because today is not over yet:
  1. I could wake up early in the morning
  2. I wasn't late to come to work
  3. I could have cheap delicious lunch
  4. Ibu Ayu, one of the clients at my workplace generously shared her coffee with me and it was Latte, I love Latte
  5. I could work on some of the exercises and tests of my English module
  6. My friend, Yoga, helped me to buy phone credit 
  7. I finished working on time
  8. I got to teach Angie and she did well
  9. I could pay my debt of phone credit to my friend
  10. Yutaka-san let me to join his company's movie night
  11. One of my students cancelled her class so I was able to join the movie night
  12. I had few big slices of pizza, chicken wings, some other delicious food for dinner at the movie night
  13. I got to watch One Piece movie and laughed at some scenes
  14. I got to help to wash the dishes after the movie night
  15. I arrived home safely and my landlord's dogs were caged so they didn't bark at me
  16. I got to feed one of my landlord's dogs with my leftover pizza wished that they wouldn't bark at me any longer without reasons (they always bark at me and I don't even know why)
  17. I got to call my sister, shared some stuff and then prayed with her 
  18. I heard the news of my brother's college fee has been paid from my sister
  19. I wasn't too tired to read the bible and made journal of it  
  20. God's grace in my life is just abundant 
  21. I still have the chance to pray for those whom I love but haven't received in Jesus yet to believe in Him and to get the salvation only in Him 
  22. God's protection for me the whole day helped me to survive from crazy road routine in Denpasar 
  23. Abundant joy and piece fulfilled my heart and mind for the whole day
  24. My motorbike (I rent it actually) functioned well 
  25. God protects my family as always 
  26. God protects my friends as always  
Well, I believe that there were more reasons for me to be grateful, kind of behind-the-scene reasons because God is working in and trough all things. So, if you are complaining about life I suggest you to start counting your blessings as well. Jesus bless.

Monday, 24 August 2015

I prayed, Jesus answered

I am the happiest sister today. My brother, Willy, just passed the test to go to university. Maybe for most people this news will simply put a smile on their face. It's not something so spectacular to be celebrated or to be written on blog. I would have felt the same if I didn't pray about it or asked some of my friends to pray with me, but I did. That what makes this news such an amazing news, because my prayer is answered. This news is just like another spring of water for my faith in Jesus. Well, He doesn't always answer prayer but He does answer. I believe He knows whats best for us, so when He doesn't answer my prayer I don't get dissapointed. This time, when He answers, it means that something big is going to happen. My brother will do so well in this university, because he is indeed amazing. I believe in his future in this university and I look forward to hear more good news about him. Amen

Friday, 21 August 2015

I am beautiful

I used to think that I wasn't beautiful. I grew up thinking that way. My sister is more beautiful than me, thats what I heard people say whenever we were together. Then I would start looking at my sister. She has pointed nose, mine is flat. She has spotless skin face, mine is rich with black spots and acne. She has flat tummy, I've got fat. She has brighter skin, I get darker and darker. I would agree with those people after, thinking I am not beautiful enough. Later on, I started to hate myself. I hate the fact that I looked horrible as a girl. I wished I was a boy. I tried to be like one. For me that time, things seemed easier for boys. They didn't have to worry about looking ugly, they simply didn't care. Maybe that's not true, you boys know better, but yeah I just wanted to not be a girl. It wasn't very extreme thou, my wish. I didn't plan to have gender-change surgery or whatsoever, and I still like boys (hello Jesse McCartney, Daniel Pedrosa, and Tobby Maguire) The problem was simply I didn't feel beautiful and nobody told me that I was, but I couldn't do anything about it and I still wanted to enjoy my life. So, I decided to just ignore "the look" that I had. I tried by myself to be beautiful. I put on nice dresses, shoes, accessories but when I looked at the mirror I never liked my reflection. Then, I tried to put on boys clothes, my brother's or even my dad's. I liked my reflection better after. Because I thought if I looked like boys, I didn't have to worry not looking beautiful anymore. People might stop comparing me to my sister because there was no point for them doing it as I wouldn't be offended. Yes, they did stop.

 Fact of how simpler and more comfortable boy's clothes are became another reason for me to look like them. I started to dress up, walked and behaved like them. My mom didn't want me to cut my long hair so I cut it myself whenever I took shower, little by little so she wouldn't notice it. I liked to hear people calling me tomboy. For me that sounded as a compliment, my version of beautiful. A close friend of mine in junior high school was tomboy as well, she's a fan of Linkin Park, Blink 182 and some other hard-core bands. I forced myself to like them also. Moto GP was popular at that time, I forced myself to like watching it even took notes of the riders' names and the winners of every race. Every Monday morning, both of us would be very noisy during the morning school ceremony talking about the race. Being tomboy was my shield for feeling-ugly attacks. I felt safe and strong. Things were fine till I entered senior high school.

People say the moments you have as senior high student would be the best ones because you would deal with that thing called 'young love'. For me, it happened the other way around. Yes, I did say that I still like boys, but those boys that I meant didn't include the cute guy in my class, or next door or those hot-looking seniors. When you admire actors or singers whom you can find easily on the cover of girl's magazines, even though you are a tomboy you don't have to be afraid to get rejected. It's totally different when you like your classmate sitting right in front of you. You will feel uglier than ever as he threats you like his dude. You will start blaming yourself for being tomboy but on the other side you are not beautiful as well so even though you become feminine still there's no guarantee that he will interest in you. You may have chance if you are tomboy but looking like Demi Levato. If you are not then no solution for you. That's how I felt. My "falling in love" experience didn't help me at all, it made me feel worse. I felt worthless.

I received Jesus in 2010. Then I learned how God had created me very carefully and beautifully. God created human in His own image. He created heaven and earth simply by words and we can always find stunning beauty of His creations wherever we go and look. How much more beautiful human would be as He himself formed us. It's written in the bible that He even had known me before He formed me in my mother's womb. Hearing all those stories of God's overwhelming love for me helped me to find confidence in Him. I then realized that the reason I felt ugly the whole time because I agreed to people's approval and standard of beauty not God's. Pointed nose, bright skin, spotless face, beautiful hair, and the list keeps going. Well, there's nothing wrong with that but that shouldn't be your main focus. I agree that we need to take care of the body that God has given to us but not so that we become beautiful, as we are indeed beautiful. We do it simply to show our gratefulness to Him. In Jesus I feel beautiful and precious in and out. As I feel beautiful inside, I feel more beautiful outside. If you don't agree with me, that's because you use human standard of beauty but I don't need your approval anymore. Now, I can confidently say I am beautiful, lots of thanks to Jesus.

Monday, 17 August 2015

He changed me

When I was young, I used to be very violent. Well, I grew up with that. My parents were pretty hard in teaching me and my siblings, no details needed. I guess that was the cause I became like that. I was physically bigger and stronger than my older sister and younger brothers at that time so whenever we fought I won most of the time. I remember making my sister cried many many times and also my brothers. Then, later I would regret it and tried to make things up with them. I didn't say sorry or whatever as I thought that it wasn't totally my fault. I would simply be nice to them hoping they would understand I didn't feel okay to cause them to cry. For most of the people in my hometown or maybe some other places also, it is normal for siblings to fight and even hurt each other. But, being violent is something like a disease, it eventually gets worse. It happened to me. There was one time when I hit my little brother harshly using the broom stick, I lost control. I didn't only hit him but I kicked him as well. He cried loudly but I was overwhelmed by anger and ignored the fact that he was just 9yrs old little guy. No adults came up to stop  me. I was pretty sure they heard my brother crying like crazy but nobody showed up. Thank God, I stopped by myself. I would've killed him if I didn't. I didn't feel proud and hate myself for behaving that way. I tried to change myself but it was difficult. Whenever my brothers rebelled against me or didn't want to do things I asked them to do, my violent side took control. Whenever my sister provoked me over stuff I would attack her.

I received Jesus in 2010. Then I learned that I could be born again when I received Him and became someone new. The first thing I wanted to be renewed about myself was my violent behavior. I realized that I always failed trying to change it before because I relied on my own strength but since Jesus would help and He is much more powerful than me so I believed it would work out. I didn't change instantly but as I walked with Him day by day, changes really took place. Before, whenever my brother or sister did something provocative, I would not be patient enough to not attack them. After, I became more patient, I chose to just walk away from them instead of stayed there and got provoked even more. Before, being violent was my only choice to make my little brothers do their home tasks as my parents had divided for us. After, I would rather to do it myself or encouraged them to do it with me without any violent approach. Jesus really changed me. 

Later on, I learned to just love them and people. I learned to forgive. I learned to let God heal me whenever people hurt me. Now, when I get mad, I forgive. When I get offended, I forgive. When I get hurt, I forgive. It sounds lame but the peace and joy that you gain when you simply forgive and love people just priceless. I'm so grateful that I met Jesus and He changed that part of me. I'm still struggling with many bad behaviors but with Him walking by my side I am a conqueror to be. 

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Do you have bestfriend?

Yesterday I had the first meeting with my new private English course student. She wants to improve her English speaking and listening abilities thats why she's taking a course with me. I asked her to measure her level of both abilities from number 1 to 10 and she picked number 1. So, I gave her several questions in English to make sure she measured right. One of the questions was "Do you have best-friend?". She asked me back, "do you mean worldly best-friend or spiritual one?" I said any of them. Her answer was quiet surprising for me and it really changed my definition of friendship. She said she doesnt have any worldly best-friend. She only has Jesus. I was a little bit confused so I asked her the reason for giving that answer. For her, best-friend means someone who can always be by her side in sadness and happiness, someone she can tell everything to, someone she can always run to, and up to today nobody can be that person for her till she met Jesus, even her husband. So, does it mean that she doesnt appreciate those who had chances to be on her side before, those who were close to her, those who wiped her tears probably before, those who encouraged her to be someone she is today? No, she loves those people, but she realizes that human is limited. She's not blaming anyone for making her feels like she has nobody to call best-friend. She's feeling grateful instead because then Jesus can be the only best-friend she could ever have. Jesus can be the only one. Then she asked me, "how about you Ceasy?" At first I thought about people whom I call best-friends, and yes I have some but they are not here with me. I cant see or talk to them everyday. And even when we have the chance to talk to each other, we are limited by time and space. There will be times when I want to talk to them but they are too busy with their life and same thing for me, I cant always be available for them because Im limited. So, should I say that I actually dont have best-friend as well? I think so. I hope this statement wont offense anyone, especially those whom I once declared as my best-friends. You guys are awesome and you all have affected my life in so many great ways. Im so grateful having you all in my life as we were able and will be able to spend lots of great moments, talks, encouragements, prayers, etc. But, Im sure you all know that it's only Jesus who can always be 24/7 available for each of us. So, the next time when someone asks who my best-friend is, Jesus will be my answer.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

One of Amazing Godly Couples I've Ever Met

I met you guys 1 year and 5 months ago and today when I woke up realizing that I just missed the chance to fully say good bye before you guys leave, I horribly regret it. I dont usually regret over things since I have made a lot of mistakes so to keep moving forward I try not to regret anything, but this time I do. The first time I met Kak Dini, I thought she was my age (thats a compliment of course) and when I saw Ko Hen singing on stage I could always feel the great passion of his. You two have been such an inspiration for me. The passion, creativity, advices, encouragement, persistence, spirit and of course your love story. I can only pray for you two wishing for abundant blessing, protection and guidance God will always provide for this whole-new chapter of your journey with HIM. I believe that it will turn awesome and as always I will be inspired. I love you guys and will remember you always in my prayer. XOXO

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Dearest #2

Hei dad,
Do you remember the day when I got first rank in my class and you came to take my school report? You bought me sweets and small presents. I was so happy and proud of myself. I like it when you and mom would go to parties and you also tried to dress up nicely. You always look good dad. Thanks for the time you spent with me to finish my homework at your office even till very late. I am grateful that you always came and picked me up at the Internet cafe without complaining even though it was midnight. I thank you that you kept trying to advise us no matter how stubborn we were. Thanks for the delicious dishes you made for us when you had the time, you are a good cook (better than mom, sorry mom, I still love you). Thanks for all the beautiful songs you made, I love all of them, even though Nori is your best fan. Thanks for always playing the Sasando beautifully, the best lullaby ever. Thanks for riding me to anywhere I needed to go and coming back to pick me up again, you are the best rider ever, I always felt safe if it was you who rode me everywhere. Thanks for buying me the cream for my face as you realized how careless I was about my own face problem, even you suggested me to go to the beauty expert, that was sweet dad. Thanks for teaching me how to ride motorbike, it was the first and the last but Im grateful I had that moment with you. Thanks for all the good food you always tried to provide for us at home, I loved the snake-fruit you brought home and it was a lot of them, you diligently cleaned them and served us after. Thanks for teaching me to be a good poem-reader that I might be able to win all those trophies at home. Thanks for letting me performed all your great plays, I loved working with you dad, you are sooooo talented. Thanks for keep believing in me thou I betrayed your trust. I realize how hard you try to be the best father for all of us. You sometimes act hard but it's just because you love us sooo much. I never told you this so I want to tell you now. You are the best dad. Dont try so hard because we, I, love you the way you are. With all your silliness and craziness, we cant ask for anyone else to be our dad. You are so talented and I always admire your talent. Nori may be your best fan, but Im your best admirer. Im soooo grateful that you are my dad. Stay amazing dad. Thanks for being my dad. I cant thank you enough. I love you dad.

Sunday, 3 May 2015

Dearest

Dear mom,

I remember the day when you held my left hand and walked along my side on my first day to school. Wish I could tell you how I loved that moment. I was disappointed that I should went to school on my own for the next days. Wish you could hold my hand again with such love. Im grown up now and been so strong that makes it so hard for me to feel loved or to love. I dont blame you because I know you were raised the same way. Must be hard for you also. Im sorry mom that I failed you. Life is hard and I only make it harder for you. Im sorry.

Saturday, 2 May 2015

Ini untuk kamu

Tidak sulit membuat mereka tersenyum karena ditengah hidup mereka yang lebih tidak beruntung dibanding hidup kita mereka akan sangat menghargai kebaikan orang lain sekecil apapun itu. Aku tidak bisa membayangkan kesulitan apa saja yang mesti mereka lalui setiap harinya, hingga suatu hari saat aku mengunjungi rumah salah satu dari mereka aku mendapati sepiring nasi yang dicampur dengan minyak bekas menggoreng ikan yang sedang disuapkan bagi mereka sebagai makan siang. Orang tua mereka tidak sanggup bahkan membeli sebutir telur atau seikat sayur dan memasakkannya untuk mereka. Ini memang bukan kehidupan yang harus mereka jalani sehari-hari, Tuhan pasti pernah memberkati mereka dengan makanan yang lebih layak. Hanya saja aku merasa begitu sedih melihat keadaan mereka saat itu. Meskipun demikian mereka tetap lahap menerima suapan ibu mereka. Itulah hebatnya anak-anak, mereka selalu punya hati yang mau tulus bersyukur atas apapun yang mereka terima karena mereka tahu mereka tidak bisa memperolehnya sendiri, mesti ada yang membantu mereka sehingga saat mereka dibantu mereka akan sangat bersyukur. Mereka akan dengan bahagia menerima bantuan dari seseorang. Yesus bahkan kagum dengan anak-anak dan beberapa kali menjadikan mereka contoh bagi orang dewasa. Sama halnya dengan kasih karunia. Kita tahu kita tidak bisa menyelamatkan diri kita sendiri dari hukuman atas dosa kita, orang mengatakan perbanyaklah berbuat baik agar bisa masuk ke surga. Tapi apakah ada jaminan pasti perbuatan baik kita sudah cukup baik agar kita bisa masuk ke surga, apakah ukuran perbuatan baik kita sama dengan ukuran perbuatan baik yang  Tuhan miliki, tentu saja tidak. Ukuran manusia tentu saja beda dengan ukuran Tuhan, oleh karena itu perbuatan baik kita tidak bisa menyelamatkan kita jika kita mesti melakukannya sesuai ukuran Tuhan. Dan lagipula tidak ada jaminan bila perbuatan baik kita sudah cukup banyak, kita tidak pernah bisa menghitungnya dan membandingkannya dengan perbuatan jahat kita. Itulah kenapa kita butuh pertolongan Tuhan yaitu kasih karunia melalui pengorbanan Yesus Kristus di kayu salib. Tuhan tahu kita tidak bisa menyelamatkan diri kita sehingga Dia datang untuk menolong kita. Pertolongan Tuhan ini adalah bagi semua orang, tidak peduli siapapun kamu, apapun latar belakangmu itu tidak penting. Yang penting adalah apakah kamu mau menerima pertolongan Tuhan ini sebagaimana anak kecil yang sadar dia tidak bisa membantu dirinya sendiri dan butuh uluran tangan orang lain? Tuhan mengulurkan tangan-Nya untuk menyelamatkan kamu melalui pengorbanan-Nya di kayu salib. Dia, yang adalah Yesus, adalah bukti nyata betapa Tuhan mengasihi kita sebagai anak-anak-Nya hingga bahkan rela mati untuk menebus dosa-dosa kita. Jadilah seperti anak kecil dan terimalah pertolongan Tuhan itu. Kamu, iya kamu. Kamu membutuhkannya.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Dia sebenarnya menyayangi aku, aku hanya tidak tahu saja

Christin adalah nama kakak perempuanku dan satu-satunya kakakku (tentu saja, karena aku anak kedua). Dia lahir dua tahun lebih awal dariku pada 7 Agustus 1990 yang berarti dia berzodiak Leo. Aku tidak percaya akan zodiak tapi mengenal kakakku dan zodiak yang dia miliki berlambang singa itu membuat sebuah pengecualian. Yes, bagaimana tidak? Dia seorang pemarah dan pemangsa. Persis seperti seekor singa. Emosinya seringkali meletup seperti bom berskala kecil yang tidak mematikan tapi cukup bisa membuatmu terluka. Kalau teroris seringkali memberi muatan tajam pada bom yang dibuatnya agar saat meledak benda-benda itu akan melukai orang di sekitarnya maka yang harus dihindari saat Christin "meledak" adalah kata-kata tajam yang keluar dari mulutnya. Hahahaha. Butuh bertahun-tahun bagiku, dan tentu saja menjadi lebih sangat mudah bagiku setelah aku menerima Yesus, untuk menahan kesabaran agar tidak bertengkar sengit dengannya karena tersinggung setelah mendengar kata-katanya. Yah, pada dasarnya dia tidak akan begitu marah kalau kami adik-adiknya patuh pada dia. Tapi, seperti yang semua orang tahu, tidak semua adik bisa berlaku manis. Memiliki satu adik keras kepala sudah bisa membuatmu pening, apalagi saat kau memiliki enam dari mereka. Orang tua kami selalu meminta dia menjaga kami saat mereka akan pergi. Titin atau Empeng (begitu kami memanggilnya karena porsi tubuh kecil dan kurusnya) akan bersikap memerintah sebagaimana seorang komandan yang diberikan mandat oleh jenderal untuk memimpin prajurit dan menjagai markas selama mereka tidak ada. Masalahnya adalah para prajurit tidak suka menuruti komandan dan cenderung melawan. Komandan pun marah karena merasa tidak dihargai (yang adalah wajar) dan mulai mengamuk. Dia berpikir saat dia mengamuk para prajurit akan mulai mendengarkan dan dia benar. Para prajurit (dengan bermalas-malasan) lebih memilih melakukan perintah komandan daripada mendengarkan ocehannya. Tugas yang diberikan sebenarnya cukup mudah dan memang adalah tugas harian kami, tapi sejak kapan anak-anak suka mengerjakan tugas rumah. Aku sangat ingat bagaimana perasaanku setiap saat orangtua kami mulai bersiap-siap akan pergi. Layaknya perasaan anak kecil yang menanti datangnya hari ulang tahunnya dan tidak sabar ingin menerima dan membuka kadonya. Kado yang kutunggu adalah "kebebasan" saat orangtuaku pergi. Kebebasan tidur-tiduran, kebebasan menonton tivi, kebebasan mengobrol dengan temanku di telepon, kebebasan membaca komik atau novel. kebebasan melanjutkan menonton film di komputer dan lainnya. Tapi, tentu saja mamaku tidak akan pergi tanpa meninggalkan mandat apapun. Tiap kami diberikan tugas untuk dikerjakan selama mereka pergi dan Titin akan jadi pengawasnya. Jadi, demi mencicipi sedikit kebebasan yang kami inginkan, kami pasti akan melawan perintah sang "komandan". 

Hingga poin ini aku berhenti sebentar untuk memikirkan alasan kenapa aku ingin membuat postingan tentang kakakku. Terlepas dari fakta bahwa aku merindukannya dan beberapa jam yang lalu kami baru saja saling mengirimkan pesan BBM yang cukup panjang, aku juga berusaha mengingat momen-momen yang pernah kuhabiskan dengannya. Aku berusaha menggali bagian otakku yang berfungsi menyimpan momen-momen yang kuhabiskan bersama anggota keluargaku khususnya bersama Titin (seandainya aku punya folder khusus untuk menyimpan itu semua) dan sayangnya aku tidak memiliki atau tidak terlalu mengingat banyak hal tentang itu. Itu membuatku sadar betapa sedikit waktu yang kuhabiskan bersama dia dan aku menyesalinya. Aku memang menghabiskan 20 tahun hidupku tinggal di bawah atap yang sama dengan dia, aku berbagi oksigen dengan dia di kamar yang sama, kami memiliki ruang ganti pakaian yang sama, kami saling bertukar pakaian atau celana (dia sering memarahiku karena membuat longgar pakaiannya atau memakainya tanpa ijin), kami menonton tivi di ruang keluarga yang sama, dan seterusnya. Lalu, kenapa aku hanya mengingat sedikit hal berkesan tentang dirinya? Sejenak aku berpikir dan lalu aku mengerti. Kami tinggal bersama bahkan tumbuh bersama tapi tidak pernah benar-benar berusaha untuk saling mengenal satu sama lain. Lebih tepatnya kami tidak pernah ingin saling mencampuri kehidupan pribadi masing-masing, terutama saat kami mulai beranjak dewasa dan memiliki teman kami masing-masing. Contohnya, aku tahu dia memiliki pacar (dulu) tapi aku tidak pernah bertanya bagaimana mereka bertemu, kenapa dia menyukainya, kenapa dia marah padanya, kenapa dia menangis karenanya, kenapa dia membanting handphone saat berbicara dengannya, dan masih banyak kenapa yang lain. Lalu, kenapa aku tidak bertanya? Well, aku tidak melakukannya karena menurutku (pada waktu itu) itu bukan urusanku. Pemikiran ini seharusnya hanya ada saat aku melihat orang lain mengalaminya, tapi jika itu adalah saudara kandungku dalam hal ini Titin semestinya aku tidak boleh berpikir begitu, bukan? Maksudku dia saudaraku, kami berbagi darah yang sama, seharusnya aku lebih peduli dan tidak ragu mengusik kehidupan pribadinya. Bagaimana bisa aku begitu tidak peduli? Jawabannya adalah karena aku tidak begitu menyayanginya. Karena bagiku dia adalah seorang pemarah yang menyebalkan. Karena yang kuingat dari sosoknya hanyalah dia yang sedang memarahi dan mengomeli aku dan adikku yang lain. Aku tidak menyukainya dan menyalahkannya karena begitu emosian dan membuatku tidak suka menghabiskan waktu bersamanya. Tapi itu aku. Apakah aku pernah tahu atau bahkan memikirkan perasaannya? Aku sedang melakukannya sekarang. Aku ingat dia pernah begitu terlihat depresi dan marah saat kami tidak mau mendengarkannya. Dia terlihat sangat sedih. Aku tidak begitu peduli saat itu karena mempertahankan keegoisanku untuk bisa "bebas". Sekarang saat aku punya banyak waktu untuk memikirkannya aku menyesal. Seharusnya aku bisa menjadi adik yang lebih penurut dan tidak menyusahkannya. Dia sudah berusaha keras memikul tanggung jawab sebagai seorang kakak untuk menjagai kami adik-adiknya. Apakah kami pernah menghargai itu? Jarang sekali. Apakah aku pernah mengucapkan terima kasih karena dia sudah membantu mama merawatku saat aku masih bayi? Apakah pernah aku berterimakasih padanya karena telah mengipasi aku dan adikku saat kami tidur dan cuaca begitu panas? Apakah aku pernah memujinya karena tampil begitu cantik saat kami hendak ke gereja bersama? Apakah aku pernah berterimakasih karena dia merelakanku membuat longgar pakaiannya? Apakah aku pernah dengan tulus berterimakasih padanya karena telah berusaha sebisanya menjadi kakak yang baik? Tidak. Aku tidak pernah. Aku hanya terlalu egois dan tidak pernah melakukannya. Aku tidak menyukai diriku yang seperti itu. Memikirkan diriku yang begitu egois membuatku muak. Seharusnya kami berdua menghabiskan lebih banyak waktu berdua. Kami bisa menjadi partners in crime yang luar biasa. Dan, sekarang saat aku tinggal jauh darinya aku baru menyadari betapa aku merindukan omelannya. Yes, dia memang menyebalkan tapi dia menyayangiku, aku hanya tidak tahu saja.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Momen-momen Kecil #1

Kebanyakan orang pasti pernah membolos, bahkan ada yang menjadikan bolos sebagai kegiatan rutin. Sensasi membolos baru pernah aku rasakan dan aku coba saat duduk di kelas 3 SMP. Kalau diingat-ingat itu kejadian yang cukup lucu dan polos. Aku hanya ingin membagikannya karena aku tidak ingin momen itu kusimpan sendiri dan sebelum aku pernah membagikannya aku sudah meninggal. 

Saat itu sekolahku seperti kebanyakan sekolah lain mengadakan kelas persiapan menghadapi ujian bagi murid-murid kelas 3. Entah mereka yang tidak peduli atau bagaimana, maksudku bahkan kami (tidak semua) tidak terlalu menyukai kelas regular yang harus kami ikuti setiap hari (Senin-Sabtu, kalau saja ada yang tidak tahu), bagaimana bisa dengan tanpa perasaan mereka memberi kami kelas tambahan. Seakan mereka memotong waktu bermainku dan teman-temanku, ini termasuk membaca kliping majalah anak muda di perpustakaan daerah dan merobek gambar aktor/artis favorit dan artikel menarik, mengunjungi warnet dan mencari informasi tentang selebriti luar negeri, membaca komik gratis di toko buku Gr*media, wisata kuliner murah meriah, mengunjungi toko aksesoris favorit kami (Louise Art Shop) karena ada anak pemilik tokonya yang tampan, berkeliling kota dengan angkutan umum yang super heboh, dan masih banyak kegiatan sederhana lain yang membawa kesenangan bagi kami. Sungguh tidak berperasaan (menurutku). 

Setiap sekolah pasti memiliki satu atau beberapa guru yang paling ditakuti, yang akan diberi gelar 'kehormatan', KILLER. Hari itu, salah satu dari beberapa guru killer yang dimiliki sekolahku mendapat jadwal mengajar di kelas tambahanku. Dia seorang guru Bahasa Inggris yang juga adalah seorang Wakil Kepala Sekolah. Aku dan sahabatku, Raisa, memutuskan membolos di hari itu. Sambil menuliskan ini aku mencoba memikirkan jawaban dari pertanyaan 'Mengapa kami membolos saat Pak Suban yang mengajar?' Apakah kami hanya ingin pamer kalau kamu cukup berani untuk membolos dari kelasnya? Sebegitu membosankankah kelasnya sehingga kami membolos? Atau karena kemungkinan sensasi membolos dari kelasnya akan lebih kuat dan membuat kami bisa menjadikan itu salah satu sejarah masa muda terhebat yang pernah kami miliki dan bisa kami ingat sepanjang hidup kami. Entahlah. Mungkin saja ketiga kemungkinan jawaban itu merupakan keseluruhan jawabannya. 

Raisa, sahabatku (kami masih bersahabat hingga hari ini, tadi pagi dia baru saja mengirimkan pesan singkat bahwa dia akan mengikuti tes psikotes untuk bisa bekerja di salah satu bank di kota tempat tinggalnya, Kupang, dan memintaku mendukungnya dengan doa-aku harap dia berhasil) telah lebih dahulu mencicipi asam garam dunia bolos-membolos, dia sudah lebih ahli dalam hal ini. Tapi itu tidak membuatnya menjadi planner utama dari aksi kami. Kami berdua sama-sama merencanakannya, kami telah memikirkan tempat-tempat yang akan kami datangi setelah berhasil melewati gerbang utama sekolah. Tentu saja, Louise Art Shop masuk dalam list kami. Keluar dari sekolah kami bukanlah hal yang terlalu sulit: (1) semua guru sudah akan sibuk menuju kelas tempat mereka mengajar kelas tambahan sesaat setelah bel tanda mulai berbunyi (2) gerbang sekolah kami selalu terbuka lebar tanpa diawasi security (3) bentuk sekolahku yang lebih terpusat ke arah dalam membuat sulit bagi orang lain untuk bisa melihat adanya pergerakan yang dilakukan secara diam-diam. Aku dan Raisa telah berdiri di lorong sekolah menunggu kelas tambahan dimulai, saat kami mulai mendengar suara beberapa orang guru yang mau memulai kelasnya kami pun mulai pelan-pelan sambil sedikit berlari menyusuri tembok kelas yang paling dekat posisinya dengan gerbang sekolah. Sesampainya di ujung tembok kelas tersebut kami mulai melihat keadaan sekitar gerbang kalau-kalau ada guru yang mengenali kami berkeliaran, kami menghindari mereka karena kami ingin berpura-pura menjadi adik kelas yang baru saja pulang dan berbaur dengan adik kelas yang sesungguhnya. Walaupun kami cukup terkenal di sekolah (sedikit sombong) tapi kami mesti tetap berhati-hati. Setelah yakin bahwa keadaannya aman kami pun berusaha bersikap tenang dan berjalan keluar gerbang seakan kami baru saja pulang. Kami sedikit gugup dan berharap nama kami tidak dipanggil sebelum kami keluar melewati gerbang. Perjalanan melewati gerbang terasa lebih jauh dari biasanya karena keinginan kami untuk bisa segera keluar. Kami berhasil.

Setelah melewati gerbang, kami masih harus berhati-hati apabila bertemu guru kami yang tidak bertugas mengajar di hari itu dan masih berdiri diluar pagar sekolah menunggu angkutan umum. Mereka semua telah pulang, untungnya. Tentu saja, tidak ada yang mau berlama-lama berdiri di bawah terik panas matahari untuk menunggu angkutan pulang, terlebih lagi jika kamu sudah tua dan capek menghadapi kumpulan pengacau kecil seharian. Kami langsung berlari menyusuri pagar menuju Louise dan berharap bisa bertemu anak pemilik toko yang tampan dan pandai bermain gitar itu. Kami memanggil dia Taf, karena dari informasi yang kudengar saat aku hendak membayar barang yang kubeli di tokonya saat ibunya yang bertugas sebagai kasir memanggilnya begitu (Raisa sangat senang saat mengetahui namanya). Sayangnya, kami tidak berhasil melihat dia hari itu, dan akhirnya memutuskan untuk pergi membaca majalah di perpustakaan daerah. Aku tidak begitu ingat kenapa, apakah kami bosan dengan majalah-majalah yang hampir semua telah kami baca atau karena ada alasan lain, tapi aku tidak ingat kami benar-benar membaca saat itu. Aku ingat kami sedang duduk, dengan masih menggunakan seragam kami, diatas aspal gerbang keluar perpustakaan yang langsung terhubung dengan jalan utama tempat kami biasa menunggu angkutan umum. Kami mengobrolkan hal-hal random dan juga kemungkinan-kemungkinan apa saja yang bisa membuat kami ketahuan saat membolos, apa yang akan teman-teman kami katakan tentang 'keberanian' kami, dan lainnya. Tiba-tiba Raisa bangkit berdiri dan menyuruhku melakukan hal yang sama. Aku mengikutinya. Kami berjalan masuk ke arah perpustakaan. Setelah sampai sedikit ke arah dalam, dia memberitahuku kalau tadi dia melihat ada orang yang menyorotkan kamera ke arah kami dan dia langsung terpikir kalau itu adalah wartawan koran lokal yang sedang mencoba mencari bahan berita tentang kenakalan pelajar, yang salah satunya adalah membolos. Kami lansung dengan sedikit histeris membayangkan seandainya gambar kami membolos benar-benar dimasukkan sebagai berita koran. Itu akan sangat memalukan. Terakhir kali ada berita mengenai pelajar yang tawuran dan saling melempar batu. Kami melihat gambar yang dicetak di salah satu koran tanpa diedit. Bayangkan wajahmu terpampang di koran sedang tawuran dengan jelas, sangat memalukan. Seluruh penduduk kota melihatmu di koran sedang melempari orang lain dengan batu. Kamu jelas-jelas tidak menginginkan itu terjadi. Kami berharap mereka tidak berhasil mendapatkan gambar kami dan untuk menghindari kemungkinan-kemungkinan buruk lainnya kami pun memutuskan untuk pulang. Hari itu kami berdua menghidupi masa remaja kami yang tidak ingin kami habiskan dengan membosankan. Ini bukan sesuatu yang patut dibanggakan, tapi paling tidak kami memiliki momen untuk diingat bersama. Persahabatan sepatutnya membawamu ke arah yang lebih baik, aku tahu itu. Tapi sebagai anak umur belasan tahun, aku tentu saja tidak peduli. Aku tidak mendorong siapapun yang masih berstatus pelajar untuk membolos, sekolah itu penting. Aku hanya ingin kalian ingat bahwa saat kalian hidup dengan membosankan tanpa berani mengambil resiko kalian tidak akan bisa memiliki momen-momen untuk diingat. Tapi janganlah meniruku, kalian ciptakanlah momen-momen keberhasilan masa muda kalian. Teruslah menuai prestasi demi prestasi. Buatlah masa muda yang bisa kalian banggakan di saat kalian sudah dewasa. Terus kembangkan dan gali potensi-potensi luar biasa dari diri kalian. Tuhan menciptakan kalian dengan luar biasa untuk tujuan yang luar biasa. Mulailah mencari tahu apa tujuan itu. Bangunlah pergaulan yang bisa mendukung kalian mencapai tujuan itu, dan tentu saja mendekatlah pada Pencetus tujuan itu, yaitu Tuhan sendiri. 

Aku harap tulisan ini tidak membosankan, aku menuliskannya (mengetik lebih tepatnya) dengan penuh semangat dan harapan bahwa kalian yang membaca akan menyukainya dan mau menantikan tulisan-tulisanku selanjutnya. 
Terimakasih sudah mau meluangkan waktu kalian untuk membacanya. Kritik dan saran selalu akan dengan senang aku terima. 
Hwaiting!!

Monday, 13 October 2014

Step by Step

Sunday, 12th October 2014

My favorite day after all. I was getting ready for the morning service, I put on my new "skort" (short-skirt) and my pink shirt. It was just another exciting Sunday. I was thinking, in a while I would see the Lifehousers; we would have a great time praising-worshiping our Lord Jesus, listening to inspiring-motivating-encouraging message to build our faith in Jesus, having people come to listen about Jesus and His greatness, and many more. Only by having those thoughts I felt so pumped up. I rode my bike singing along the way. When I got there, the room has been set up and we were almost ready for the fellowship. Then, Ka Dini and her husband arrived with a box of cake from Surabaya. I stood up and gladly received that box as others started teasing me about that but as usual I didnt care (I love cake like a lot, even better when it's free hahaha). I let Bang Gomgom (our pastor) and his wife to take the cake firstly as we followed. Sharing is the best thing to do among believers after all. When we share it's like we let people come in and be closer to us and as one family in Christ it's very important for us to love doing it.  So, we started the morning service with room packed with people as the kids church also had started the fun outside.  I loved the message delivered at that moment. It was about Esther - Godly woman in the bible, how she lived not only for herself but also for God and her people. I have read about her story before but I never really noticed about this one thing that I can learn form her story. I learned to live for others which means I need to concern about their salvation. It doesnt mean that I have the power to save them, only Jesus can save them, but it simply means that God can use me to share about His good news of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ to people. I have experienced God's love, His grace saves me, I have His promise of eternal life with Him in Heaven, I know for sure that Jesus is the only way, truth, and life that no one can come to the Father but through Him, I know that if we dont put our faith in Him then hell is our final destination. Why wouldnt I share this to people? I mentioned before that I love sharing, so why dont I share this amazing good news to people? My part is to share and the rest will be taken care by God; whether that person believes in Him or not, only God knows. Just do your part, sharing. By doing it, I dont live only for people but also for God since I become worker in His work-field. I follow His command to go out and share about Him to people. God doesnt have to use me but He wants to. He wants me to be His partner. Instead of working for Google, Microsoft or some other massive companies, it must be way more better to work with God, like really. We finished with the morning service and started to pack up. Another service to go, remix service.

I dragged piles of chairs from the back side toward the stage and began to put them in order. There were 5 of us busy preparing the room for the remix service. While dragging the chairs what I had in my mind was just getting the room ready for people to come in and listen about Jesus. It's exciting to think of room packed with young people whose hearts will be touched by God, whose life will be different after they received Jesus as their Savior, whose sins will be forgiven, whose burdens will be taken off. They will have the same hope, the same joy, the same piece, the same promise, the same faith in the same God with ours, Jesus Christ. Taking part in such a ministry is a privilege. I believe that there's no small or big part as we serve God and minister His people, since we are body of Christ so every single part is important. If we do our part well, even if it's only a "small" thing in people's eyes but it's not in His sight. When we do it, do it for Him. God sees always. He was there when I dragged the chairs, when Andri-Arudo-Bang Yos set up the curtain, when Varol put the drums in order, when any of us, His workers do our parts - He's there looking.

After the service, I and some other friends went out for dinner and planned to go watching the final show of 3030. It was the very last show and we decided to go for it. We had to be in a very long line before we could go in. After we got in we still had to wait for an hour. We killed the time by playing game, taking pictures, and teasing one another. We laughed out loud and got people's attention but it didnt matter since we just wanted to enjoy the moment. The last show was crazy. They gave all out, all the jokes and craziness. I enjoyed it. At the end of the show, I and Uma wanted to take pictures with our favorite performers. So, we waited for them and got to see them. It seemed ridiculous for some people, even some of my friends said that I looked so countrified. But for me it's all about creating memories, it doesnt matter if people look down at me because of that. It's my memory of life to be created, not theirs, so whatever they say about it bothers me not. What I mean here, just enjoy your life while you're still young, be ridiculous, dont hold yourself down. Jesus died for you so you can have the victory over death, your biggest fear. It also means that He wants you to enjoy the life that He gives to you without being afraid any longer. And while you're still young just be free (in positive way) as much as possible because things change as you get older, you have more responsibilities and less time to enjoy yourself. So, if people stare at you strangely as you try to enjoy the moment and create memories just let them see it. Dont ever let them ruin your moment. At the end of the day you will lay down on your bed all alone thinking about things you have done for the day, if you let people interrupt your chance to enjoy the moment I bet you will regret it. So dont!


Sunday, 12 October 2014

Step by Step

Saturday, 11th October 2014

I woke up seeing my bedroom was in a mess, I thought I still have time to clean it but I didnt. I went to my bathroom and took only few minutes in it before I dressed up. As usual we, Lifehousers, have this program called COME2US. Through this program we spread the flyers of Blaze to students and university students. Recently, we will get together firstly in CK Renon Park, park our motorbikes there and leave with Bang Gomgom's car. Today, Andri arrived first as I followed, then Tian. They went into CK to buy breakfast, but I went toward different direction to an old woman with her bike with big basket filled with wrapped rice, big-sliced fruit (papaya, watermelon and melon), sweet potatoes etc. I bought 2 big slices of papaya and 1 sweet potato for my breakfast (since I claimed to be doing carbo diet). We were still waiting for Tiff, Bang Gomgom and Simon while had breakfast. After everyone got together, we left CK but I couldnt find my keys. I looked around and realized that someone had found it. I left my keys inside the old woman's basket before, I've been so careless. Inside the car, they told me to sit alone in the back but I didnt want to so four of us (I, Tian, Tiff and Simon) squeezed in the second row. Our first destination was STIKI, we've been there before but none of them really stayed so we decided to give it another try. We broke into two groups, I was in the same team with Tiff and Tian. We started to spread the flyers and I got a call from my boss' husband saying that he wanted to go to the studio to work on his wife's little shop. He wanted me to make sure that the studio was empty, I told him I would have to call Bree-the instructor. When I called her, she said she had left the studio because the power went off. I got surprised thinking that it must be because I forgot to refill the power. I was freaking out. I was afraid if my boss' husband figured it out when he arrived in the studio. I then decided to leave STIKI and went back to CK to take my motorbike. It was a long suffering. I had to wait for a very long time to get into the public transport three times (Bali needs more public transport) and then spent my 10K for only a short trip with the motorbike-taxi. It didnt really matter since I was in hurry. I jumped onto my motorbike and rode it as fast as I could toward my workplace. I coulndt stop praying, asking God that things would be just fine. It was a very hot day but I didnt care. Later, I figured out that the power went off directly from its center, it had nothing to do with me. I met my boss' husband as he was almost done hanging and putting all the clothes out to be sold. I got to help him a little bit and things went well. I thanked God but also I felt stupid that I worried too much and left the team. Lesson learned. 

On my way home, I felt so tired and sleepy along the way. It must be because of the day temperature, it sucked all of my energy. I even almost hit somebody, thank God He protected me. I fell asleep as I arrived in my dorm (my room was still in a mess). Few hours later I woke up and it was almost 5 o'clock. We had planned to play badminton at 5.30 (one of Lifehouse's small events called Badminton Fun Day). I didnt take a bath since I would get sweaty after all. The event ran well, we had some new friends, I got to know a friend named Tias a little more, everyone had some fun. I went home early with Sindi, a friend. She wanted to go to my place to take a bath. I warned her that my place wouldnt delight her but she insisted so I said yes. I left my room in a mess and found it in the same condition and Sindi got to see it (it was embarrassing, really). Sindi is a moslem and I have two dogs (they're not mine actually, they belong to my dorm's owner), so we struggled before she could take a bath. I had to make sure that the dogs wouldnt be able to go after her. Another problem solved after I had those dogs in their cage. We both then ready to go to watch the laser performance held by a network provider called 3. It's a free entry event with fabulous performance, they played drama using laser, it amazed me a lot. I actually have watched it three times but they still entertained me. The last show would start at 10 pm so I went to Kedai Bamboo firstly to help Andri and Simon prepared the room for our morning service tomorrow. People were still using the room so we waited. We discussed about things dealing with the church. As leaders we see things, find troubles, and discuss about it. We love to do it. The clock hit 10 pm but the people had not left. We were about to go to watch the laser performance firstly then the room was finally empty. We stayed and prepared the room. When we finished, the laser performance had started; we didnt get the chance to watch it. I was okay with it (I watched it three times already, come on). We took pictures of us holding the tickets with sad faces, pretending that we were dissapointed but we were not. We joked a lot, laughed, teased one another then decided to find something to eat. Baked corns became our choice for dinner. As we ate it, Simon stood up and started to lead us playing some weird games. I didnt even know how to play them till the last game we played. I was playing prank on him saying that if I were a psychopath I would have killed him because of those annoying games he made up. We stayed up until 1.30 in the morning then decided to go home. It was a lot of fun spending my time with them. They are good friends to be around with. They will not take their friends for granted, they love to share, they love to support, they love to help, they love Jesus. Having them as your friends will surely make you feel better about your life.

Friday, 10 October 2014

Step by Step

Friday, 10th October 2014

I woke up this morning feeling so excited thinking "Thank God It's Friday". I work 5 days a week, starts at 7 am and sometimes 8 am and go home at 4 pm. My job is "light", like I dont have to do so many things, even sometimes I dont have much to do. I like it, but for some reasons it gives me no challenge. I spend most of my time sitting in front of the computer, reading articles, but not like full-of-information articles, they are more like articles about events happen around the world. Horrible things happen everyday, this world is getting worse; the nature, the people. I can say so because I read about it everyday. A young boy who shot himself at his school bathroom since he couldnt stand being bullied by his friends, a transgender woman was killed-chopped-and cooked by her boyfriend, a girl was laid by his step father since she was young, and more. When I read those news I feel sick but in the other side grateful as well. Im grateful because my God, Jesus is protecting me always. Like He's always right beside me whenever or wherever I am. I will never feel lonely. It's so great having Him as my God. He also gives me great friends to be around with, Lifehousers. Like today, Im planning to go to Serangan Beach with one amazing girl, Uma. We plan to go there by motorbikes to enjoy the sun-set. I always love spending my time in the beach. I love when the air blows and gives me a chill, I love to feel the sand with my bare feet, I love when the wave hits me softly, I love when the sun shines so I can feel the warmth, I love everything about beach. It's gonna be my first time in Serangan Beach and Im going to make every single moment worth. I just cant wait. Yaiyyyy!!