have i forgotten how to have fun

I was walking home with some friends one night in 2010. I don't recall what we talked about, but I remember how happy I felt just being with them. We'd walk for about 3-5 kilometers before stopping at a food stall to get some snacks. Then we kept walking and stopped in front of an office building to eat the snacks together and carry on with our conversation about random stuff, and most of the time we ended up laughing out loud; I wish I could remember what we were laughing about, but my memory isn't that great. Time would fly by, and we'd all realize we needed to get back home as soon as possible because it was getting late. Every time I got close to my house, I wished I lived even further away so I could spend more time with them. Those were the most joyful times for me back then. 

Adulthood has slapped me hard on my face. I can't afford to be reckless any longer. I have bills to pay, appointments to attend, deadlines to meet, and my physical and mental health to consider, all of which is exhausting. This is not acceptable. Why can't I find joy in small matters any longer? I used to laugh so easily and constantly. I always said yes to spontaneous trips and not feared a thing. My former self will despise the present me. Perhaps my ways of having fun have shifted, or perhaps I should return to the old things I used to find enjoyable. I liked reading manga (Japanese comic books) like Detective Conan, Doraemon, Crayon Shinchan, and so on. I enjoyed collecting cute things, taking random pictures of things or people, making videos, writing short stories, karaoke, climbing trees, catching small fish, running in the rain, playing outside in the sun, swimming, daydreaming, watching horror movies, reading novels, playing board games, being silly, dancing, going on a hike, traveling, having random conversations with good friends, eating snacks by the side of the road, and I can't think of anything else.

It's fine; I still know how to have fun. I can still laugh a lot. Just don't get too worked up about it. I'm going to be fine.

Hanging out at local park late at night

To Be Celebrated

I was just at a friend's house for her birthday celebrations a few hours ago. It was actually just a basic get-together. It's something she's done every year. Her mother would make enough food to feed a large group even if she didn't invite anyone. She would then simply wait for her buddies to arrive one by one. After me, a couple of buddies arrived with cake and candles but no lighter. They later handed her the cake and instructed her to light and blow the candles herself. It was pretty funny that we didn't even sing happy birthday. We joked that they should've just sent her the money and she'd purchase the cake herself, or sent her the supplies so she could bake the cake herself. A few more of her pals arrived later, and they brought another cake with candles already lighted. She had seen them when they entered, so it was no longer a surprise. They stepped in and handed her the cake, this time with the candles to blow out. I'd say it was really uncomplicated, with no drama and just a simple birthday party. Her friends were aware that it was her birthday, and they made the effort to come and celebrate with her, even if it wasn't anything extravagant like we see in movies and dramas. Nothing like a birthday celebration with balloons, a large feast, music, lovely outfits, and sparkles. However, I appreciated her friends for making the effort. They shared a lot of laughter, ate some simple but delicious cuisine, and talked for a long time about many things. 

When I got home, I began to consider what it means to be celebrated. I feel like I've forgotten how it feels really. I enjoy celebrating my closest friends and making them feel special, but it is frequently one-sided. I'm not claiming no one ever did anything special for my birthday or for me, because they did. The issue is that it doesn't happen on a regular basis, and it happens so rarely that I don't expect it. I even got to the point where I chose to do things my own, to organize everything on my own, with some support, but the initiative was all mine. Meanwhile, at the same time, I'm growing exhausted. I'm going to quit putting in effort now. It's depressing. But that's just the way life and people are. Especially in this day and age, when everything is supposed to be instant. There's no need to call; just send a quick message. It will serve to send a voice message, gifs, or stickers. I, too, become lazy and drained. I've spent a lot of my time and energy celebrating others, only to find out that they didn't do the same for me. Therefore, I will be selfish too. Because I need to look after myself. They are capable of looking after themselves. I'll just settle for mediocrity. 

Thank you, I felt celebrated that time (2017)

Thank you for putting the efforts girls (2017)

Good old time (2017)

Jejak Mereka

Aku tidak memiliki banyak teman, tapi teman-teman yang kumiliki berarti bagiku. Saat aku meninggalkan Kupang, kota kelahiranku aku membawa kesan yang berbeda dari tiap mereka. Hari ini aku merindukan mereka dan memutuskan untuk menulis tentang mereka. Tiap mereka berharga dan daftar ini hanyalah segala hal yang paling kuingat tentang mereka, aku akan memulai daftar ini dari dia.

Awad:

• Aku ingat bagaimana dia begitu baik pada semua orang
• Dia selalu mendahulukan kepentingan orang lain
• Dia penyemangat yang baik
• Dia selalu bersikap lembut pada semua temannya
• Dia tahu bagaimana menghormati orang lain
• Semua orang menyukainya
• Dia bersikap baik bahkan pada orang yang merugikannya
• Kami sering makan bersama
• Dia menyukai bakpao
• Dia tidak terlalu percaya diri dengan bentuk tubuhnya (menurutku dia baik-baik saja)
• Dia sering memaksakan diri untuk diet
• Dia sangat menyayangi ibunya
• Dia sering merindukan neneknya
• Dia tidak terlalu akur dengan ayahnya
• Jangan hubungi dia setelah lewat jam 9 malam (dia sudah tidur pada waktu itu)
• Dia disukai banyak teman wanita tapi dia sering dikecewakan
• Dia setia kawan
• Dia keren 
• Dia punya impian tinggi tapi takut dia tidak bisa mencapainya (menurutku dia mampu)

Oni:

• Dia menyukai dirinya (sangat)
• Dia suka bereksperimen dengan fashion (terkadang dia terlalu ekstrim) 
• Dia akan selalu mengabaikan anggapan negatif dari orang-orang
• Dia suka menjadi pusat perhatian
• Dia pembuat onar
• Dia melakukan banyak hal sendiri
• Dia akan selalu mengambil pilihan yang lebih mudah
• Dia sangat mencintai keluarganya
• Dia selalu bersikap tegar
• Dia seringkali patah hati 
• Dia punya banyak sahabat pria
• Dia memiliki visi di dunia pendidikan
• Dia cepat akrab dengan orang lain
• Dia memiliki rambut yang indah 
• Dia suka membaca
• Dia suka K-Drama
• Dia sangat menyukai langit

Mey:

• Dia menarik
• Dia pandai
• Dia menyukai anak-anak
• Dia berpendirian keras
• Dia pandai bernyanyi
• Dia menyenangkan 
• Dia pendengar yang baik
• Dia pemberi nasihat yang baik 

Steven:

• Dia menyebalkan tapi juga menyenangkan
• Dia suka bicara apa adanya
• Dia tidak suka dirugikan 

Jack:

• Dia suka bernyanyi
• Dia penerjemah yang baik
• Dia tidak bisa bangun di pagi hari
• Dia sering begadang
• Dia royal pada teman-temannya
• Dia suka makan
• Dia terkadang sensitif 
• Dia pandai bermain alat musik
• Dia peduli dengan teman-temannya

Elvis:

• Dia sangat setia kawan
• Dia mau dirugikan demi teman-temannya
• Dia teman perjalanan jauh yang dapat diandalkan
• Dia pria yang baik
• Dia suka mengejekku
• Dia merindukan ibunya 

Harti:

• Dia K-lover
• Dia teman yang baik
• Dia pandai tapi tidak menyadarinya 
• Dia kurang percaya diri akan banyak hal

Raisa:

• Dia sulit bergaul
• Dia seringkali bersifat egois
• Dia pandai memasak
• Dia takut akan banyak hal
• Dia suka mengandalkanku
• Dia sering bertentangan dengan ibunya
• Dia tidak terlalu menyukai kakaknya 
• Dia setia pada teman-temannya
• Dia suka berkhayal
• Dia memiliki banyak potensi tapi tidak pandai mengembangkannya 
• Dia seharusnya bisa lebih baik lagi jika dia mau 

Aku menghabiskan banyak waktu dengan mereka, masih ada banyak hal yang tidak aku tahu tentang mereka, tapi aku bersyukur mereka pernah dan masih menjadi bagian dari hidupku. Aku harap mereka ada disini, itu akan sangat menyenangkan. Aku hanya merindukan mereka dan waktu yang pernah aku habiskan bersama mereka. Aku harap mereka tahu itu.