have i forgotten how to have fun

I was walking home with some friends one night in 2010. I don't recall what we talked about, but I remember how happy I felt just being with them. We'd walk for about 3-5 kilometers before stopping at a food stall to get some snacks. Then we kept walking and stopped in front of an office building to eat the snacks together and carry on with our conversation about random stuff, and most of the time we ended up laughing out loud; I wish I could remember what we were laughing about, but my memory isn't that great. Time would fly by, and we'd all realize we needed to get back home as soon as possible because it was getting late. Every time I got close to my house, I wished I lived even further away so I could spend more time with them. Those were the most joyful times for me back then. 

Adulthood has slapped me hard on my face. I can't afford to be reckless any longer. I have bills to pay, appointments to attend, deadlines to meet, and my physical and mental health to consider, all of which is exhausting. This is not acceptable. Why can't I find joy in small matters any longer? I used to laugh so easily and constantly. I always said yes to spontaneous trips and not feared a thing. My former self will despise the present me. Perhaps my ways of having fun have shifted, or perhaps I should return to the old things I used to find enjoyable. I liked reading manga (Japanese comic books) like Detective Conan, Doraemon, Crayon Shinchan, and so on. I enjoyed collecting cute things, taking random pictures of things or people, making videos, writing short stories, karaoke, climbing trees, catching small fish, running in the rain, playing outside in the sun, swimming, daydreaming, watching horror movies, reading novels, playing board games, being silly, dancing, going on a hike, traveling, having random conversations with good friends, eating snacks by the side of the road, and I can't think of anything else.

It's fine; I still know how to have fun. I can still laugh a lot. Just don't get too worked up about it. I'm going to be fine.

Hanging out at local park late at night

never too late to start a new family's tradition

If my memory serves me correctly, I've been attending Potter's House Christian Ministry since 2018. My first pastor, an Australian, arrived in Kupang with his lovely wife and four children. His mother church in Australia sent him here. I got to know this family well, and we became friends as they helped me in getting back on my feet and working on my spiritual life. I witnessed how they come together strong as a family to reach out to the lost for God while living far away from their comfort zone. It wasn't easy but they held each other dearly and their strong bond has inspired me. 

One time they asked me to take their family photo for their annual Christmas card which they needed to send out early for their loved ones abroad. Despite the fact that I didn't perform a really good job, they were extremely gracious and thanked me for my assistance. Later on, I realized that my family never took a proper family portrait together and I figured it was the right timing to do it. Previously, my younger brother just graduated from university and he needed to take nice graduation photos as well. Basically it was like throwing one stone and hitting two birds. I proposed this idea to my family and they approved. My other younger brother suggested a little photo studio run by a friend, which we liked. We decided on a dress code of white or red. We had a lot of fun during the photo shoot, and we probably caused the photographer a lot of stress because we were too noisy and wanted to try so many various poses (sorry photographer-nim). I ended up making DIY Christmas cards for my families and good friends by printing out copies of one of our best portraits. 

I am glad I proposed that idea to my family and they came along, we now have a family tradition, taking family portraits for Christmas. We started in 2019 and it has been three years in total, with new faces joining us each year. My brother's friend joined us in 2019, my cousin joined us in 2020, and my sister's soon-to-be husband joined us last year. I used to envy my friends' walls covered in photo frames; now I'm scared that my parents' walls will be covered in our portraits; yet, it's a nice kind of fear because I'm truly happy about it.

First family portrait back in 2019

Not really happy with the background but still we had fun (2020)

We may or may not look like minions hehe (2021)

To Be Celebrated

I was just at a friend's house for her birthday celebrations a few hours ago. It was actually just a basic get-together. It's something she's done every year. Her mother would make enough food to feed a large group even if she didn't invite anyone. She would then simply wait for her buddies to arrive one by one. After me, a couple of buddies arrived with cake and candles but no lighter. They later handed her the cake and instructed her to light and blow the candles herself. It was pretty funny that we didn't even sing happy birthday. We joked that they should've just sent her the money and she'd purchase the cake herself, or sent her the supplies so she could bake the cake herself. A few more of her pals arrived later, and they brought another cake with candles already lighted. She had seen them when they entered, so it was no longer a surprise. They stepped in and handed her the cake, this time with the candles to blow out. I'd say it was really uncomplicated, with no drama and just a simple birthday party. Her friends were aware that it was her birthday, and they made the effort to come and celebrate with her, even if it wasn't anything extravagant like we see in movies and dramas. Nothing like a birthday celebration with balloons, a large feast, music, lovely outfits, and sparkles. However, I appreciated her friends for making the effort. They shared a lot of laughter, ate some simple but delicious cuisine, and talked for a long time about many things. 

When I got home, I began to consider what it means to be celebrated. I feel like I've forgotten how it feels really. I enjoy celebrating my closest friends and making them feel special, but it is frequently one-sided. I'm not claiming no one ever did anything special for my birthday or for me, because they did. The issue is that it doesn't happen on a regular basis, and it happens so rarely that I don't expect it. I even got to the point where I chose to do things my own, to organize everything on my own, with some support, but the initiative was all mine. Meanwhile, at the same time, I'm growing exhausted. I'm going to quit putting in effort now. It's depressing. But that's just the way life and people are. Especially in this day and age, when everything is supposed to be instant. There's no need to call; just send a quick message. It will serve to send a voice message, gifs, or stickers. I, too, become lazy and drained. I've spent a lot of my time and energy celebrating others, only to find out that they didn't do the same for me. Therefore, I will be selfish too. Because I need to look after myself. They are capable of looking after themselves. I'll just settle for mediocrity. 

Thank you, I felt celebrated that time (2017)

Thank you for putting the efforts girls (2017)

Good old time (2017)

They Grow Up Too Fast

One day, I was in Jakarta to see an old friend. He's been away from his family for a long time. It had been more than three years since I had returned home to see my family. He then stated that he wished to return home because he realized how time had passed, his parents had grown older, and his sibling had grown up. He resented the fact that he had missed seeing them grow older and more mature. That struck me as well; previously, I didn't want to return to my hometown; instead, I wanted to return to Bali from Jakarta and look for work in Bali. That conversation, however, changed my mind. I made the decision to return home, to my people, to my family. 

My friend was correct when I got home. My younger siblings have grown so much that they are now

Had fun at Paradiso beach, Kupang
(ignores the trash floating)

almost as tall as I am. Before I left home in 2013, they were just little babies to me; small, skinny kids who I used to beat up when they got in my way. They, too, cried a lot but also laughed a lot. I recall being assigned to babysit my youngest sister one day, but I promptly fell asleep. I awoke to find her having cut half of her hair with scissors, thanking God she hadn't hurt herself, but she was so amusing. Perhaps she copied me because I, too, liked to secretly cut my hair back then because long hair was too much work for me. Today, my youngest sister takes better care of herself than I did when I was her age. She looks exactly like me, only less crazy. She sings beautifully and even plays instruments. She excels in school and also enjoys sports such as Kenpo and badminton. 

Awkward pose, beautiful smile though 

My younger brother was a goofy kid. He enjoyed fooling around and making people laugh. We'd tell him to put on glasses and pose for pictures, and he'd just do it, even making funny faces for us. He is now the tallest member of our family. He's such a cool, calm kid. He prefers to spend his time at home, learning languages, reading books, playing instruments, and singing karaoke. He is a very social person who likes to hang out with his friends until late at night. Fortunately, we can still easily find him at home most of the time. He's also a good cook, even better than my older sister, hehe. 

Hi, I am the tallest in my family

I'm thankful that they're both maturing into such wonderful children. They listen well most of the time and give us fewer headaches than their older siblings did. The majority of their age group is known for being spoiled brats and troublemakers. They are, however, good kids at heart.

I am cute and I know it :)

Amateur Drawer

 

Unfortunately, I was not born with many talents. I can act, write poems, learn new languages quickly, write short stories, and that's about it. I wish I had been born with more abilities, one of which is drawing. But I suppose not. I'm always envious of those who can. I met a really talented friend back when I was in the US doing the CCI Program; his drawings would have interesting stories behind them, things related to ancient creatures, monsters, and so on. Whenever I asked him to tell me the stories behind any of his works, he would do so with excitement, joy, and pride, as any true artist would. We could sit and listen to him tell us stories for hours. I really hope he gets more people to admire his work in the near future.

Even though I am not a talented artist, I would like to try my hand at it whenever I feel like it. So I discovered this AI program called AutoDraw (AutoDraw.com) that allows me to do so, to get a taste of what it's like to be an artist, to be able to express myself through my drawings, my random thoughts. So, basically, this program will give you the opportunity to draw and then fix it for you. It is fine if you can't draw a perfect circle, or if your clouds look strange, it will beautify them for you. Isn't it amazing? I gave it a shot and came up with the attached image. That's exactly how I feel right now: random. Strange and perplexing.

How Lay EXO, Jackson Wang, Jay B, D.O EXO inspired me

Years ago, when I was in middle school, I overheard a couple of friends discussing a Korean drama called "Princess Hours" during P.E. They seemed very excited about it, but I had no idea what they were so excited about. I wasn't familiar with K-drama at the time, and I was more interested in MOTO GP, Valentino Rossi, Daniel Pedrosa, and other riders. I was first introduced to Korean drama when I started university; I'm not sure what the first drama I watched was, but I remember spending hours watching one episode after the next, even until dawn. It was just my guilty pleasure, a way for me to pass the time. I didn't think much of it; I just thought of Kdramas as high-end entertainment. Throughout the 16 to 20 episodes, I would find myself laughing, crying, disappointed, and absorbed. Then I realized I was addicted to it; my sleeping habits had been ruined, and I had neglected important tasks such as housework, homework, and my health. So I decided to take a break, which I did for quite some time.

However, I eventually found my way back to be hit by the Korean wave, this time with K-pop. Since I am not a member of any fandom, I would simply start listening to any Kpop songs that I liked. GOT7, Super Junior, EXO, NCT, Stray Kids, Astro, IU, Jessie, and others were among the artists I listened to. I simply enjoy music. Then, recently, I've been feeling unmotivated to do anything. I really want to graduate from university this year, but I can't bring myself to start writing my final essay. I'm just feeling a little sluggish. As a result, I began watching videos and interviews of several idols who are known to be hard workers; I'm sure most idols are, but these specific people truly inspired me; Lay EXO, D.O EXO, Jackson Wang, and Jay B from GOT7, among others. "Wah, I wish I was as ambitious as they are, as hardworking as they are, as passionate about something, about their goals and dreams," I often thought to myself. I'm not sure what my problem is or why I'm feeling this way, but I just want to get out of this mindset, this laziness. Seeing these guys work their butt out was like a slap in the face. I'm hoping I'm not too late. I don't want to be like this any longer. No way, no how.

Tiny Girl

 Tiny girl plucked out wild flowers, grasses, leaves and wild fruits in her front yard

She visited her mom's kitchen looking for a box of matches, she found it

Her friends had prepared three stones of similar sizes and dry branches

The three stones they set as triangle on the ground

The dry branches they pushed in between the stones

They had the stove ready

Tiny girl and her friends searched through a pile of junks for flat iron or aluminum preferably circle

They needed a wok

"I found it!", exclaimed the tiny girl

Their tiny kitchen was almost ready

Delicious meals made of wild flowers, grasses, leaves and wild fruits they had in mind

"Yummy," the tiny girl thought  

Little Boy

Little boy ran after his playmate's kite

Bare feet, dirty feet, ran across the soccer field

Little boy fell, he kissed the hot pavement

Nose bled, scratches, bruises, painless, tearless

Little boy kept on running

Little boy caught the kite

He was the champion

He ruled the world

He felt like it at least

Little boy walked home with the kite on his back

He reached home, put the kite on a pile of other kites

Big smile on his face

Life felt good